It's been only fourteen days into the new year and I have already had to prove to myself that I love myself and that I care for myself.
Two. good. times. even.
The first had to do with my home keeping duties. Who is the woman again? Me!
So I tried. But I could not fulfil my desire of having a tidy home. I just could not. The children had been on holidays (why do children like scattering like this). And I didn’t feel like taking out time to do any serious house arranging chores. And the family was having a great time together engaging in many different activities. And so that’s how it happened – we entered the new year with an untidy home. Me I only momentarily nagged at myself; it’s the least I could do amidst all that goodness. I didn’t want to be a spoiler, not for myself let alone for the others.
Eventually our guests came to our home as they were not sure they would be able to make it. And I am talking about our only guests for the New Year’s Day; one man, his wife and two sons.
See, I was ashamed of myself. I wished that the man and wife would overlook the disorderliness of our home. But it was obvious that they were not going to, and I could not get that out of my head even after about 15 minutes of coming together. So I admitted! Yes, I apologized for the untidiness of our home.
We all had a very good laugh, I swear. The man and wife went on to describe their own home as being in a chaotic state as well. They were both very funny. We laughed even harder and it was very nice.
Unto the second.
This particular one for me was the case of dear God we have only just begun a new year and this scenario that I detest so much, this…..unpleasant situation has already gone and put itself on my cleaned slate.
Okay, so I will tell you.
This somewhat juicy offer was made to me. I only had to choose between a ‘yes I will’ or a ‘no I will not’. For someone like me, this is a straight choice. It was a ‘no I will not’; which I said but made sure that it sounded like it was the easiest thing for me to say.
And why is it not. Even you reading this post, you’d expect that sentence would be easy for someone like me to say, right? Well no! It turned out that until I said it; I was in a dilemma over how I will tell the person making the offer to me, the choice that I’d made.
Hmm…saying that I find this to be strange about myself does not still explain it. I am almost hardly in any dilemma or tightness when I have to state my decision about something. I am even often very direct. But as long as the scenario or situation is such as the type that I am talking about in this post I would usually experience this dilemma about how I will tell the other person (or persons depending), the choice which I’d made.
Me. A whole me? Ha!.
In fact, you know what, this is not just anything for me. This is something that I beat up myself for, on the inside, every time it happens to me. Because it is confusing for me, and then again because of course I know that there are ways for me to know why I am always in this dilemma once the scenario is like this, but, I still don’t care enough to even try.
Please blame it on the new year and my resolution to not keep things the exact same way that they have always been. Days after telling the person who made the juicy offer to me, my decision; I decided that I will work on the resulting emotions that arose within me and use it as an opportunity to closely examine this interesting ‘dilemma-something’ that often happens to me.
Anyways, always not an easy thing for me to do -to dissect myself by my own self in other to see for myself and see objectively- but I know this much about myself now; which I think is not so good:
I can drink Panadol for another person's headache. I can look out for what is best for the other people and not what is best for me. And instead of me just taking my thoughts nice and easy. I end up in my head trying to help these other people find solutions to arising problems that I can already clearly see in my head. And the more I think about the possible solutions for these problems, the more I realize that I care about these people, I like them, I care about how they see me, I care about how they perceive me, I care about our relationship and I want to keep the relationship as good as it already is if not better…..you all know those kinds of things.
It has not helped me. I don’t know who this has helped; this type of mindset operating for this particular scenario that I am talking about in this post.
Well as you know if you are having a tough time, just letting yourself listen attentively to other people works too. I had not counted on this lady telling me something that would have any impact on or speak to what I was dealing with. It was just a casual talk with her about something completely unrelated. But then, I heard her say to me:
...."sweetie, you have to just tell other people what's best for YOU, only YOU."
To be honest, she and I don’t get along well. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to get annoyed. So I laughed. And I laughed because for some reason this her statement went down quite well with me.
And so there I have it: some reassurance.
Some reassurance that putting myself first, that loving myself enough to put myself first, by myself, is a good decision.
A girl, after all, has to do what she has to do. And should not apologize or feel sorry for it.
It's the way I’m now knowing to act in this type of scenarios, in this type of my unpleasant situations.
I can’t speak for you anyway, you might just know another way? Mm-hm.
Let’s meet here again 😊,
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